a start… – 9.23.13

9:37am

Fibonacci-

“Seriously, what the hell am I doing here?” – You OK?

9:08pm

Snow white-

Having some issues. Thanks for asking.

 

10:02pm

Fibonacci-

I’m here to bounce things off of if you need to. Take everything slow, it helps.

 

9:45pm

Snow white-

Thanks Fibonacci. Just going through I guess, one of life’s dark periods. Except, I’ve never had one this bad and it is really taking its toll. I appreciate you asking though. Everyone always thinks I am fine, because I have been through a lot, but it’s hard after a while.

Anyway, enough of that depressing stuff – how is YOUR writing going??

 

9:46pm

Fibonacci-

You there?

 

9:49pm

Snow white-

I’m here

 

9:49pm

Fibonacci-

Epiphany time due to a small amount of alcohol and watching slum dog millionaire and my past experiences…I want to make my first post to my blog because of your writing to me, do you mind if I post the following? I assume most will not know you are the snow white. Your call. :

 

9:51pm

Fibonacci-

I have been waiting for my first post to come to me and it has arrived.

It took a very slow, long, meandering path but it has reached its station and the time for departure is upon us.

My friend said today after an inquiry into her state, “Thanks Fibonacci. Just going through I guess, one of life’s dark periods. Except, I’ve never had one this bad and it is really taking its toll. I appreciate you asking though. Everyone always thinks I am fine, because I have been through a lot, but it’s hard after a while.”

It reminded me of my own past and the darkness that lingers just out of site in the corner of my eye where no one sees. I watch the world go by, but it is always in a hazy dream of an existence I am still unsure of that I am truly living and a part of; I am doomed of sorts to wonder if this happiness is nothing more than a dream or a state of inner grace between my death many years ago and my arrival at my new location.

I started to word my reply to her and I wrote the following, at the bottom of this post, trying to jam in a lifetimes worth of experiences into a paragraph for no other reason than to offer some sort of explanation for discomfort so she would know she was not alone. So she would find some solace in my companionship and the burden of thought from the past upon her own conscience would be lightened, if only for a small time or in small way so as to show that Love truly is there, floating ever present only waiting to be grasped from the flow and enshrouded upon oneself.

In my haste to cohesively form a thought though, I again found myself where I was many years ago, writing in vintage movie clip mind shorts of time strips from my past and missing a true explanation of my words.

So it brought me here, to my first post and the hope of many more to come so that my thoughts are no longer just internal, but shining, outward onto those who need it and to encompass as water about their skin warm and maternal…finally given the time and attention they need so that their clarity can be appreciated, interred into the center and sown to grow the beauty and hope that each day I live represents.

Thanks for the inspiration snow white.

9:57pm

Fibonacci-

The hasty reply – It is hard to wear the facade / the mask / whatever you want to call it. When you see the other side it does make it hard to keep stepping forward through the muck and the mire of what humans have created of a “society”. It could be better, it could be cleaner, it could be easier, but it is not and likely will not. Human nature dictates we try to pretend not to be the animals that we are and the more we fight that urge of instinct the less we have control over ourselves and our actions if left uneducated to what is available for a life…

 

9:57pm

Snow white-

I wasn’t expecting that, Fibonacci. Your words to me are truly special. The fact that someone I have never met and barely know can genuinely inquire as to my current state, and longtime friends and family members can’t be bothered…it just changes things for me. Moving to this small town, knowing no one and having my husband still in the old hometown has given me one thing. Time. A lot of time spent with me and no distractions. It has also given me another thing – quiet. I’ve learned when you mix the two something unexpected happens. When life is busy and filled, you can easily push things aside and never deal with the things you have buried for so long. But when you are isolated and alone and left to yourself, you are forced to eventually face them.

 

10:00pm

Snow white-

Your post actually made me cry. And feel free to use “snow white”

It is comforting to know someone else has seen this dark side of life that can completely consume you if you can’t control it.

 

10:07pm

Snow white-

I finally made the decision to go and speak to someone about things I am going through. The overwhelming desire to kill myself was the last straw and I knew I turned a corner into uncharted territory. I can tell you this because I don’t think you would judge me. I won’t, however, share this with close friends. They seem to be the most judgmental.

 

10:16pm

Fibonacci-

It is important to get help when that darkness is your friend in the sidecar most days traveling everywhere you go. I call it this “disease” we have, “the sickness”. I did not coin the term. I was in SD and I watched a movie with a friend and some others, I wish I could remember what it was. But it was one of those movies that at the end you just kind of sit there, overwhelmed. Patrick broke the silence and said, “It’s the sickness, once you get it, it never goes away.” He said that once you reach that endpoint, that endgame where you know the other side is truly just a flip to the other side of the coin, then you are stuck trying to find a reason to live the rest of your life and trying to make it feel that it truly has a value, a value enough to keep you here and keep you from eating that bullet and moving on to a better place.

What I have learned since then is that he is right 100% BUT the life we live cannot be done again, and you cannot buy the experiences and you cannot fake the feelings you go through. When it sucks, it sucks, but when it’s good, it’s ethereal and priceless. Those times are what matters and those memories are what keep us here.

 

10:16pm

Snow white-

You hit it right on the head, as far as once you hit that point it seems like then you always have to find a reason to actually keep you here. Things that keep me here are not wanting to hurt him or my mom by doing anything out of dark, selfish moment. Also, there are, at times, a million other things I still feel like I have left to do. So that gives me hope. Something to look forward to. Thanks for listening to me. I don’t really have any one to talk about it. My mom gets upset and he gets so worried, he looks like he is going to have an Aneurysm! lol

 

10:18pm

Snow white-

Can you send me your blog post link when you post it? I’d love to see your site

 

10:18pm

Fibonacci-

Absolutely, you know what though; this whole conversation with the names removed would be an even more amazing post…yes? It could be a conversation between snow white and Fibonacci, hell maybe that is what the whole blog should be….

Imagine the depths we could reach

 

10:21pm

Snow white-

I think I would agree with you. Sure, remove the names – and maybe switch where I moved from/to – I think a lot of people out there could probably relate to what we are talking about and possibly just don’t have anyone to talk about it with. I dealt with these feelings for about three months before I finally told anyone.

 

10:28pm

Fibonacci-

Good deal, we can build forward…will be posting the link on my Facebook page when done…I think, I’m not sure yet, but I think I will…regardless, I will give you the link when done. Have a good night and let good thoughts wash over you. “There is no darkness; it is only the absence of light”

 

10:33pm

Snow white-

Thanks, friend. Have a wonderful night.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.